Coming Out to my Family
No im not a lesbian. As much as i respect the LGBT community this isnt what im talking about.
I guess somewhere I really ment to say I just liked computers and maybe learning more about them would be nice. But its spiraled into the same conversations that have been killing me more and more every time
Them: “What do you want to do with your life?”
Me: “Oh maybe work with computers, everyone needs more technicaly educated people I guess”
I thought maybe the Art Institute would be equaly pleasing to everyone. Its a college yes, and being the first one in my family to attend and finish college would make everyone happy. And its art. And I love art, so it covers both right? Well now even some of my family are begining to slip in the other options like “Oh community college would help more” “Why not a university? A University diploma would get you a better job!” And whats worse is not being able to afford the ammount that has to be paid.
sdfjhdsgf NO. Im sick of hiding who I really am and im sick of all this job stuff. Im so good at understanding what adults say, and dont get me wrong I take all the advice to heart. But im not smart. Is anyone really smart? No duh i have a good head on my shoulders. It has two ears, two eyes, a mouth that works, and a decent sized brain with remenants of a tumor left in it probably, but i do. Everyone has a good head on their shoulders. Everyone is capeable of having basic good and bad in them. Its human. But Im so sick of being perfect to everyone. Just because my brother messed up i shouldnt have to be the favorite because I finished high school and i never did horribly bad things. I slipped up here and there but im not this goody two shoes gonna do everything to be successful kid. I just want to be me.
Who is me? Its hard to explain. Im not ashamed of my body, Im proud of it and its taken me so long to love it. I dont dye my hair just because i want to be a “Rebel” or im a wild kid. It makes me feel confident. It brings a sense of light to my day to see my reflection and see that im uniquely me, and it doesnt mean im dissrespectful towards anyone who is “Normal” Its just a personal thing. I hate computers. Not fully, but i dont want to spend my life being a “Graphic Designer” or design for enginering companies, or even build them. I like fixing them and helping others when something is wrong, but its not my life. I like art, traditional and street art. Im happiest when im creating and painting and molding things into beautiful shapes and forms. I love sports photography, one of my bigest photography dreams is to take pictures for media at MLL games and even work on high school lax teams. I just love art. And history, I love how history and hart have impacted eachother! I love learning about history and how the world has changed. It just inspires me.
They dont know that the comments they say are kinda like little pins and needles in my head. “Oh you better not be gay” Like no im not but i have friends who are, Ive lost friends who were because others made comments like that too. Or like when we see othewrs who have colored hair or are “weird looking” i see just another person who just dresses a different way and when they gasp and say “Oh thats…unique” in my head im just like “Thwy must me really nice how can you judge.” Or when they say “I would never let my kid watch or play violent things” yeah but you let them watch the news and read books that are even required reading for school. The one that absolutely kills me is “Oh thank goodness you came out good delaney, youre smart and you know what good is and youre gonna be so successful!”
Im not like my family and its killing me. Everyone has a desk job, or is a manager, they run on reputation and a good upstanding immage. They say they want the best for me which bascialy means they probably want to see me be a big CEO of a company and make tons of money and have a big house so they can come visit. They are always scrimping for money and some complain that theres never enough. And then they fight with eachother non stop. Are they really that miserable? Because i dont want that. I really want to live a happy life. I want to move somewhere simple and nice. I want to work a nice job at a book store or maybe a craft store. Then get off every day and go home and paint and work a little on my art every day and make little accessories and sell them for extra money to put back into my art so that one day my images can stand for or even start a movement. A movement to get back to appreciating art in every form and watch it bring people together. I want my hair to be long and colorful and i want a few tattoos here and there. Nothing big, but little pictures that have meaning and stories. I want to have a humble little home full of nick-nacks and pictures and a husband who works just as happily and doesnt cheat or argue. Someone i can sit and play video games with then make dinner and not care about calories and eating as little as i can to stay “Skinny”. I want to have kids and raise them on love, not yelling, mind numbing television and constant nagging if they dont work perfectly enough. I dont want to tell them “STOP CRYING IT COULD BE WORSE!” because that doesnt do anything. I want to comfort them and let them play and if they do something wrong i will show them the right things. Then spend days telling stories to eachother and playing lax or soccer outside and growing with eachother.
The mere though of that would give some of them a heart attack. Because ive been hiding behind this conservative good girl immage. Im not a terrible person behind it all but with that above i might as well be. Every night i cry because of this whole getting a good job to make money and be successful thing because all of that has a totaly different meaning to me. Nobody thinks im as beautiful as i see myself. Nobody thinks how i spend my time is useful. Nobody knows the things i think of every time they make a comment. And if i stood up for what i believed in theyd laugh or be so ashamed. I really cant see a future for myself sometimes because i love my family but i dont want to rip myself apart from them, my family is torn up enough. Ive been debating ending my life because its just useless, My future is a big joke. Im just tired of hiding and i have no idea how id stand up for myself without being told to sit down and agree with everyone else. Or worse just stay quiet. Deep down inside im hurting so bad because nobody will listen to the actual girl i am. They just want what pleases them and its getting to the point where i cant deal with it all anymore. I wish someone whould help and tell me what i should do because Im so close to ending it.
